Little spoons don't ask big questions
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
