I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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