Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
