He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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