My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
