You just made me feel so damn special
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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