thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
