I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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