Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Less talking, more tequila
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
