Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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