I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
