puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
