I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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