i need an iv and a liver transplant
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
