omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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