ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
