I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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