I think i sorta joined a cult last night
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
