So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize