Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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