you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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