I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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