I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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