Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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