If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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