When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
jump out the window naked night went bad
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
