Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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