I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
