Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
