i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
