i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I FOUND THE LEGS
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
