Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
