U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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