Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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