Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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