when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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