I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
