either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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