her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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