It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
