Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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