I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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