Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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