She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
