I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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