Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
