remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
this beer tastes like vomit already
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm too high and old for this...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
