First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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