mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i love accidental penises.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
