my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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