She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Enjoy the penises
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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