First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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