i need an iv and a liver transplant
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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