This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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