the day after is always just damage control
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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