If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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