i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my phone needs a breathalizer
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
