Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
