I can text with my tongue
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We need to get me chipped asap
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
