i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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