You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
