If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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