did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
