I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
