Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
